I honestly don't know what to put here...
I'm not sure if this post will be kept up, as this post is more personal than usual. I'll probably take it down later... If I remember to.For many years of me being on the internet, I never really found myself. In fact, I feel more confused now than when I was as a child. Having grew up in a toxic family household and basically been taught "finding yourself", or finding your true identity is stupid or a bad thing, as if it's sinful. My mom think it might mean, "I want to find out if I'm gay", so she thinks it's a bad thing, at least that's how I think her opinion on it is. Sometimes I just feel scared trying to find out who I am, and God will punish me after my self discovery.
I also have trouble making friends and keeping them since early childhood, so nothing about socialization is easy and mostly a challenge that feel like the olympics. It's hard for me to impress people, but I try, but at the same time, I feel like I'm not being myself that way.
People would say, "Be yourself and people will love you for who you are!", but for me, it always turns out people finding me odd or "cringe", then ignoring me and pretend they don't know me anymore. Sometimes I feel like that piece of advice is really useless for someone like me.
I try to fit in to many groups with little to no success. Most people would think I'm alright for a little while until they want nothing to do with me. Being on the Fediverse is a BIG emphasis on this problem I have my entire life and rubs it in my face. People will never find someone like me interesting, because I AM NOT interesting to begin with, and it just proves it to me in the face. A sad reality. I join many instances to bypass the Fediblock and try to meet anyone, but I just feel like a ghost. I even say things just to impress people that I don't fully mean. Doing that only makes other people not want to be around me.
I think the Fediverse is just as unhealthy as any other social media online for obvious reasons, it's social media. People do things to get attention and be on the algorithm, but since there's no algorithm, you are more desperate. Social media is everything I hate for the longest time, and no wonder I never used it much when I was under 18, it sucks at your soul and make you feel like nothing.
It only made me feel like I'll never belong anywhere in this world, it made me become different kinds of people all at once because I don't know which version of me people will like more. It made me more broken of a living being than I ever was.
What I really want in my life is to find my true self. I want to dress in different ways to see what screams "me" for once. Change my hair color even. Have a different name. Try out new interests. I want to figure out my entire identity, something that people in my life have never wanted me to do. I don't care what people on the internet will think of me(especially on THAT part of Fedi, but to be honest, ALL of Fedi at this point due to extremists on all sides want to dictate what people can or can't think of do with themselves or you're a bigot or a libtard).
I don't care about politics and activism. I don't care about how much a small group think Hitler is a saint. I want to be happy with myself and live in peace.
Posted on 2023/04/01
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