Dazzling Blog

I Wish

Small venting

I wish for something exciting to happen to me. Something that'll change my life forever. Not for a day, a minute, or a moment.

I wish I could recover from all the problems I went through my whole life. My mother couldn't care less about me as she always disrespects me and use my past again'st me. I wish I wasn't so sad all the time. I wish I wasn't so hurt. I wish people would stop hurting me. I wish I didn't feel like a husk of what I was at some point. Happier? Inspired? Motivated? All I know is that I felt a little bit more alive years ago. Now, I'm not so sure what to do. Feeling lost, like wind with no certain direction. Feeling isolated, like a flower in the middle of a desert.

I feel like running away, but I don't know where. I just want to run from everything. I always get to feel pain from the people that gave it to me. I always get ignored by people I know when I cry for help. I always get either laughed at or disgusted when I cry. Art is the only thing that keeps me alive. Creativity. Coming up with small or big ideas always brings life and wholeness to the empty void that is myself. I love to draw, I love to write, I love music.

I loved going outside and see the things around me, and breathing, reminding myself that my heart is still beating and alive. Sadly, I don't do that often anymore because, well, 2020 happened, and everything in my life just went more downhill than it already was. Sometimes I realized the things I don't cherish much actually means so much to me after it's taken away.

And I can't take it back.

My life feels like a haunted dream.

A nightmare.

That I want to wake from.

I just want to be told that everything is alright.

I just want to feel loved.

Everything's hard.

Maybe it's all my fault, and I deserve everything I endured?

What did I do wrong?

I want to know.

I wish to know.

I wish to know how to turn back time.

Maybe I'll know what went wrong with everything.

Sorry for this post being a bit negative, I just want to write something that's always been bothering me, without sounding annoying and stuff(I also need to remind myself that I made this blog mostly for myself)

If anyone stumble upon this page read this at all, thanks.